I had a bad day on Friday; nothing seemed to go right no matter what I did and it culminated with a sleepless night where my negative thoughts took over.
I came to the conclusion that some sort of personality transplant has occurred. I’m literally the opposite of the person I was 5 years ago. I used to be really confident and outgoing, I’m now self-conscious, paranoid and introvert.
It used to be that you could put me a in room full of strangers and I’d happily start chatting to anyone and make at least one friend in five minutes. Now I’d sit in the corner and count down the minutes until I could leave and go home.
I used to live by the “don’t make it easy to be dismissed in a sentence” philosophy whereas now, not only am I easily dismissible, I’m practically invisible.
I often think if I sat at my desk in work and didn’t speak to anyone all day then nobody would speak to me. Nobody really involves me in anything or asks how I am. In one respect, I’m okay with that because I just get on with my work and the day passes. On the flip side, I’m sitting surrounded by people talking to each other, laughing together, discussing things and I’m sitting there listening to them and knowing I’m excluded. I genuinely feel like I could drop dead at my desk and nobody would notice.
I wish they’d sit me away from everyone so I could get on with things and not have to listen to everyone. That would make me feel so much better than sitting in the middle of it all.
I also used to be quite brave and headstrong; I’d go anywhere, talk to anyone, make travel plans and not need anyone’s hand to hold or need clarification that I was doing the right thing. Now I don’t like going out on my own, I don’t like making decisions without asking other people’s opinion and I’m so scared of failing that I don’t even try anything I’m not 100% sure of.
I’m also 3 stone heavier than what I was 5 years ago. I have no self-control or desire to help myself look better. I’m massively miserable about how I look and think my appearance just adds to how average and forgettable I am.
I just want to be like I was 5 years ago. I don’t know what happened to me and I don’t remember whether I disappeared gradually or if I just woke up one day and I was gone.
I have no idea how to change how I am. To add insult to injury, now I’m crippled with RA most days and I’m losing my body as well as my mind.
I don’t see how I can get better. I don’t know what to do or where to start. So at the minute I’m feeling a little bit hopeless. Maybe it will pass and I’ll snap out of it, but for this weekend I’m not at my best.
Hopefully my next post will be a bit more positive.