Depression - the monster on your back · Just Because

Friday Flounder

I’ve been trying to be really positive lately and get in control of a few things so I’ve been keeping my planner so I don’t forget things and I’ve also given myself a couple of goals for each month. 

I’ve joined Slimming World and managed to lose 5.5 lbs in two weeks which I’m really pleased with so my eating habits have got a lot healthier, I’ve been drinking less alcohol and eating less rubbish, and more fruit & veg. So I feel good about that.

I’ve also re-enrolled in a copy-editing and proofreading course that I bought last year but didn’t get round to doing. So I’m definitely going to work on that and have it finished in the next few months.

I had half a day off work today because I’ve been feeling really tired lately so thought I’d pick an afternoon to take as a holiday to sort of chill out a bit; it’s worked out well because my joints have been quite bad today so I think it was a good idea to not walking about everywhere and doing much writing. 

My boyfriend has gone out with his friends tonight so I’ve got the house to myself; I thought I’d make myself a nice dinner,  maybe do my nails and a face mask etc. but as the day has gone on I’ve started to feel really down. 

I feel a bit frustrated; I’ve just been looking at my Pinterest boards and I have a board of all the things I want to do and places I want to go and it suddenly seems that I’m not getting any closer to doing these things and I feel like I’m watching other people do things that are on my list of things to do. It’s sort of taken the shine off me doing it. I don’t begrudge anyone doing these things at all but it’s kind of upsetting when there are things I’ve always wanted to do or places I’ve always wanted to go since I was about 16 and other people are doing them before me. It’s my own fault, I guess, but I just haven’t managed to find the money or the time to do this stuff. I suppose I feel like life is passing me by and that I’m going to get to a point where I look back and realise it’s too late to do any of these things or I’m not able to do them anymore. 

I’m also scared that I wont know what it feels to wake up without any pain. Every day for the past 6-8 months I’ve had pain in at least two parts of my body and after only this short amount of time, I can’t remember what it feels like to not be pain-free. My boyfriend ensures me that once I’m on proper medication for RA I’ll not have everyday like this but at the same time I know it’s progressive, so it won’t get better it will only get worse.

I suppose I’m worried that it’ll get so bad that I won’t be able to do the travelling that I want to do. So in that sense I’m angry with myself that I took time and health for granted and now it might be becoming too late. 

Either way, I don’t feel like eating anymore so the “nice dinner” idea has gone out the window. My fingers are too sore and swollen to do my nails too.

I don’t know – I think I’ve just ended up sending myself into a mini depression whirlpool.

Sutz 😦 

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