You know what the worst thing is about depression? Well for me, it’s not the random days when I don’t want to get out of bed (and thankfully I haven’t had one of these days for a while). It’s not the anxiety of being in public or it’s not the tiredness you get from trying to pretend everything is okay. It’s not the “not succeeding” – the feeling like you’re a ridiculous failure treading mud all the time.
For me? It’s not recognising yourself. It’s remembering who you used to be and the things you used to be able to do but knowing that person is now gone. It’s being terrified that everyone else is just tolerating you as you are now and they’re only sticking with you as a friend until that person you used to be comes back. It’s the fear and the knowledge that you may never be that person again so the friends who have stuck with you will eventually get sick of this new, lesser you and you’ll be left with nobody.
I miss me. I miss myself the way I used to be. I had loads of confidence. I didn’t give a shit if people didn’t like me; not everyone can like you and I had PLENTY of people who did like me so I just didn’t care.
Now I have only a few people who like me. Or at least they claim to like me. And I’m constantly scared that they’ll stop as soon as they realise that I’m not coming back. This is me now and it might not be the person that they befriended or loved.
Today I’m feeling this more than ever. I feel like some people who are pretending to like this me but secretly wanting the old me, are starting to get sick of this me. I feel like I’m losing people.
I’m feeling angry right now. They’re not just wasting their time but they’re wasting my time. I don’t need sympathy or people who are there because they’re worried they’ll send me over the edge. I need to know where I stand. I need to know who’s with me.
I miss me. I miss me a lot. I don’t need you to miss me too. I need you to like me now. If you don’t, please just leave me alone.