I’m really not keeping up with my writing on this blog. Not sure why! Sometimes I’m too fed up to write anything, other times I don’t have the energy. I’m going to try and remind myself to do this regularly because I do always feel better when I’ve got stuff off my chest.
I’ve been up and down lately; in some ways things have been good because I’ve had a few ‘eye-opening’ moments – particularly with regards to work. They cut my bonus which was kind of the last straw – I know a bonus is a bonus but to be told that they’d cut it down because of my absences at the beginning of the year – you know, the time I was off because I had some sort of mental breakdown? So they’ve effectively cut my bonus because I have mental health problems. I said to my friend at the time, I’ve never felt like the depression held me back in work up until this point, I’ve been judged purely on this and I think it’s the first time that I’ve actually had it confirmed that people are treated differently in there if they have a mental problem than if it was physical. It’s basically spurred me on to get out of there and find another job. So that’s a positive thing I think (despite coming from a negative place.)
I’ve also come to realise that I need to stop putting pressure on myself. I stress myself out so much thinking that that I don’t get enough done each day; most of the time when I go to bed at the end of each day I feel like a massive failure – like I’ve accomplished nothing. I’m slowly realising that I can’t think like that all the time. Realistically, what am I expecting to actually achieve each day? A fully clean house, a great financial decision and a weight loss at the end of every day are not realistic goals for me. So I’ve decided that at the end of each day I should write one good thing down that I’ve done that day. So if it’s a nice meal I’ve made, or I’ve made someone laugh or helped someone out even if it’s giving them directions or something, then by writing it down I won’t feel like I’ve wasted the day.
In terms of down-sides lately, it’s the usual stuff really. I’m still completely fed up with my weight and just can’t seem to stick to anything. We have a holiday booked for September and before that I have my Dad’s party at the end of July and we’ve got a week off with the kids in August and I really don’t want to have to look at photos of myself if I’m the weight I am now. I don’t know how I got to the place I’m at now but currently I dread each weekend because once I don’t have to wear work clothes I’m totally screwed when it comes to putting together an outfit because either my clothes don’t fit me or I look terrible in everything. I’m setting myself a realistic goal of losing at half a stone by my dad’s party, a further half a stone in August and another half before I go away to Spain.
To aid this, I’ve done a meal planner for the next two weeks. What usually happens with me is I plan for the week and absolutely follow the plan but then I neglect to make another planner for the next week and everything goes pear-shaped! So I’ve done a two-week one which should give me time to do another two-week plan afterwards. I’ve used a great printable which I got from a blog I love wholefully.com – this one is great because it also has a section each day for ‘workout’ so you can put in an exercise target. I’ve not been the gym in a while due to time, forgetting my kit or it being too hot (this actually happened in the UK) so I’ve done a bit of research on YouTube and various blogs and have pieced together a five-minute ‘power’ workout which is done in 30-second segments. Despite my initial attitude of “this is going to be easy”, it actually leaves me very warm and worn out! Obviously once I actually build up a degree of fitness (fingers crossed!) I might start finding it easy so will just increase the times.
With the meal planner, I’ve also made a note of what ingredients I will have to buy for each day so I can make sure I’ve got everything I need to make the food. I’ve put my weekly shopping list on Google Keep so I can refer to it using my phone and with Keep you can add ‘collaborators’ so I can tag my boyfriend in and he can see my list if I know he’s going to the shops.
Another thing that’s been going on is trying to understand what the tiredness and random physical pains are a part of. I’ve recently had inflamed joints in my shoulder (basically a frozen shoulder) and couldn’t move it for four days. It’s still quite sore not but has nearly got back to normal. The problem is that this isn’t a one-off and random joint pains are common with me. I get them in both shoulders, my arms, my hands, my legs, my back…. and it’s without any injury. I either wake up that way or it comes on me during the day. So the doc sent me for blood tests and I’m waiting for the results. I also have issues with having my bloods done: it always takes a few goes and because I’m squeamish, I freak out and regularly faint when this happens. So I’ve currently got massive bruises on my inside arms which make me look like a smack head. Nice.
I’ve also been having really weird dreams lately which feature my family and people who used to be my friends but now don’t speak to me. And in every single dream (and they’re all different) the common factor is that I’m doing something wrong. It’s really starting to bug me because clearly I’ve got something on my mind. I just wish my subconscious would stop bothering me!