Right. This time I MEAN it. I’m going to get healthy and lose weight ONCE AND FOR ALL.
So I know I’ve said this before, many many times. And to be fair to myself, I have tried. I’ve joined a gym (not been going as regularly as I’d have liked) and I did start making my lunches and meals so I knew exactly what I was eating (but then Easter happened.)
It just seems that every time I formulate a plan and put that plan into action, something goes wrong and instead of dusting myself off and getting back to it, I take it to heart, and get really angry at myself and cave in.
I’m getting so sick of hating what I see in the mirror; it’s seriously bad. I won’t let my boyfriend near me (I’m hideous, why would he even want to?) I hate going on nights out; every woman looks far nicer than I do. Whether it’s their hair, their skin, they’re basic body shape or the fact that they have a nicer face than I do, I just feel massively inferior and a complete fish out of water.
For example, my and the boyf had a “date night” the other Saturday. We’d booked into a restaurant we hadn’t been to and decided to go to a few of our ‘old haunts’; places we used to go before we lived together. I got ready. I put on a little black dress, did my make-up nice and sorted my hair so it looked actually quite presentable. I wasn’t completely confident in how I looked, but I took comfort in the fact that it was only me and him so I didn’t have any female friend to feel ugly next to and make me feel ridiculous. So we went out, started having a good time. Restaurant was nice, food was nice, wine was nice. Then a friend of his appeared; no bother, he said hello and went to the bar. Then he calls over his wife and that was my night over. She looks like a model. Long blonde hair, size 8, long legs, perfect nose, perfect nails, perfect teeth, perfect skin. She was wearing tight white jeans that would look ridiculously 80’s if they weren’t on her because she could basically wear a bin bag and look incredible. She’s everything I’m not. So I instantly felt bad about myself. I hated myself for ordering a starter as well as a main course. I hated the fact that her and her husband ordered a bloody bottle of champagne (when I was making my glass of white wine last for ages because I couldn’t really justify its price!)
My boyf knew my mood had changed and we tried to make a joke out of it but to be honest, I couldn’t wait to get out of the restaurant. We went for another couple of drinks after and had a nice time but I didn’t feel comfortable and was quite happy to get home later that night.
I’m sick of feeling this way. So now I’m absolutely determined to lose weight because I have a few things coming up (a friend’s wedding, a birthday party, a holiday) where I don’t want to be in an awful, paranoid mood. I know it ruins things for other people, especially my boyf and I really don’t want to be that person.
I’ve planned meals for the next five days; I’ve decided to go for all-out protein and minimal carbs and see where I go. I’m also going to cut out alcohol for a minimum of five days and I’m aiming to go to the gym on two days out of the five and do some sort of other exercise on the other two.
I figure if I can at least do these five days, then I’ll prove to myself that I’m capable.
I’ll try and post every day – I think it might spare me on.
So here I go… again.