Depression - the monster on your back

Last Week of Semi-Freedom

So this week I was working 8:45-3pm which is the last time I won’t be working full-time hours. Coming back to work gradually has really helped; when I’m doing 8:30-4:30 it won’t feel so massive now since it’s just an hour and half longer than what I’ve been doing.

Since I’ve gone back, I’ve felt a bit like a ghost; like I’m sitting on the outside of the team, not really involved. To be honest, this has made me more able to cope when I’ve been having a bad day. By not really caring about the atmosphere on the team or listening to anybody moaning about stupid things, I’ve been able to completely just focus on what I’m doing and not get socially stressed. Only twice I’ve had to ‘get away’ from the team and take five minutes away from my desk to sort of talk myself round to not freaking out! This is a lot better than what has happened in the past where I would have to walk away from the team several times a day and go and take 5 minutes somewhere really quiet to calm down. I’m hoping that I can stay this way; it might mean I’m a bit anti-social but I honestly don’t feel confident enough to be able to join in as much as I used to – not to say I’m not having chats with anyone or laughing along with jokes – it’s just easier to get on with being as busy as I can rather than concerning myself with fitting in.

I’m a bit worried about going back full-time though.Only because I’ve been keeping myself busy with anything and everything but still don’t have anything challenging to do. The nature of the work isn’t massively challenging anyway but that’s not to say there aren’t any issues that could be addressed. I wish my manager would give me something to work on. Every day is pretty much the same and I think if I had some sort of project I’d feel like I served an actual purpose rather than just being another cog in the machine. I know my manager relies on me for things because she’s told me as such; the problem is, she relies on me to get things done quickly and efficiently rather than expects me to use my brain to make things better. I’ve mentioned this to my occupational health counsellor who is trying to get this looked into so I’m hoping that something will come out of it.

Outside of work, things are okay. I’m currently changing GP’s because I have a few issues with my current doctor. Basically he is a locum in the surgery and my surgery appears to be filled with locums. This is an issue because I feel like because he isn’t a permanent doctor at the particular surgery, there’s no connection and every time I go to see him, it’s like he has never met me before. He doesn’t seem to bother reading my notes so I have to go through everything every time I go which takes up half the appointment so by the time it comes to discussing why I’m there I’ve got lost in describing my illness so forget to say things or get too emotional and it all comes out as a blur. The last couple of times I’ve gone to see him it was the Doctor himself who told me to go back; when I went back he asked me why I was there and I’m like “You told me to come back in two weeks and it’s been two weeks.” and his blank expression both frustrates and stresses me out. So I’ve decided to move to another Doctors’ Surgery where my friend & next-door neighbour goes; she tells me they’re a really good doctors and you do get allocated the one doctor so won’t end up seeing someone different every time which would be a massive plus.

As I’m changing GP’s I can’t deal with the current physical problems I’m having because I can’t yet get an appointment when I’m not registered anywhere yet! I regularly get muscle and joint pain in my neck, shoulders and back. This has gone on for years now and a lot of it is down to bad posture. I’ve had physio and have about a billion exercises that I have to do each day (which I don’t always manage to do) that are supposed to help with my posture. I also have an ergonomic chair in work along with a writing slope and some gel accessories to help with my RSI (the plague of working with a computer since forever). However, currently there’s something wrong with my neck; it feels like there’s a pulled or inflamed muscle. I went to the walk-in centre and was basically told to take painkillers. Since I currently survive on cocodemol & naproxen every day, this was hardly the best advice I’ve ever been given. Someone has suggested that these muscle pains (which can be really debilitating at times) along with the constant exhaustion I get (I’ve always applied this as something that goes hand-in-hand with depression) may be something to do with Fibromyalgia. The condition is something I’m aware of but never thought it might apply to me. So when I get a new doctor, I might bring this up and see what he/she thinks. If it just explains my constant tiredness that would be something; I’m just sick of not being taken seriously. I always feel like an idiot when they send me away with more painkillers.

So here’s hoping things get better in the new doctors and at work. It would be nice for something positive to happen.




2 thoughts on “Last Week of Semi-Freedom

  1. Hi there,

    I saw that you liked my post ‘Coping the Controversial Way’, and I decided to read one of your posts. I’m not that familiar with your situation, but I definitely suggest that you look into Fibromyalgia as a possibility. Chronic pain and fatigue are the primary symptoms, and the pain can be anywhere and everywhere, unfortunately. You’ll get a sense of whether this might be something you have by exercising – does exercise make the pain lessen at all, even for a couple of days? The shitty thing is that if you find out that fibro may the culprit, you’ll only ever be able to make the pain and fatigue bearable because it won’t go away. Luckily, fibro isn’t a degenerative disease either. Doctors can be a real pain, because many of them still don’t believe that fibro is a real thing, so it would be great if you could find someone who takes it seriously. I studied in London, England for two years so I know that finding a good doctor can also be difficult. Anyway, if you have any questions feel free to reach out. Going though this journey is very difficult without the proper support structure.

    Best wishes,


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, thank you for commenting on my post! I was very interested in your post and how you cope with your pain whilst trying to live your life. I often wonder how other people manage to get on with their day when they’re not feeling their best; for me it’s like I have ‘public’ me and ‘real’ me. I’ll definitely be asking my new GP about Fibromyalgia; the more I read up on it, the more I feel like it might be something I have. Every time I’ve spoken to doctors about the pain I’m in or the constant tiredness, I’ve always ended up leaving the docs feeling like an idiot as they consistently tell me there’s nothing that they can see that’s wrong with me. They’ve sent me to physio which has slightly helped in the short term, but even the physiotherapist has said I’m to blame because of my posture. With the tiredness, I’ve had blood tests and I now get B12 injections every 3 months but the doc said that there was only a very slight deficiency in B12. So I did ask what the constant exhaustion was caused by and they seemed to again blame me for this and the ‘helpful’ advice was no use nor ornament. I realise that I may never have a ‘cure’ for this but I just want a doctor to take me seriously and not act like I’m wasting their time! Did you have a similar experience before you were diagnosed?
      Best wishes


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