This week’s been a bit of a weird one; I’ve had a couple of ‘wobbles’ and have let myself down with a couple of things like not cooking dinner or keeping on top of my Proof Reading studies. I’ve not really planned my meals like I said I was going to and the whole ‘keeping on top of my weight’ thing feels like it’s gone down the pan.
The one positive I have is that I joined a gym around a week ago and I went for the first time yesterday morning with my Boyf. I actually really enjoyed it! Thankfully there wasn’t many people there (my big fear about going to the gym is being surrounded by super-slim women with six packs who can run for half an hour non-stop on the treadmill) so I didn’t feel too self-conscious.
I’ve struggled with my weight for so many years now and I’m currently 2 stone heavier than what I should be. I have a wardrobe full of stuff I can’t wear and it makes me feel like shit everytime I open its doors to see how little I can actually fit into now. I have about 5 pairs of jeans and only 1 pair fits. Out of all of my work dresses, I can only comfortably fit into 3. I have next to no dressy clothes that fit me and have to just be happy with jeans and a loose-fitting top. I try to dress up with my make-up because my body just looks wrong in a nice glam dress.
I’ll always be someone who is never happy with the way I look and I do have body dysmorphic disorder (to go with my other mental problems.) I am constantly bothered about my weight, my shape, my arms, my skin and my nose, in particular. I pick my face all the time because I get adult acne and it’s a compulsive habit which often makes my skin even worse because I make it bleed.
I spend a lot of time just looking at myself in the mirror and picking out all of the faults.
My stomach is a constant hatred of mine. It’s too big, too round, too white and my hips are out of proportion to the rest of my body. I stand poking it and grabbing bits of fat wondering if I just cut them off, would it look better?
My nose really bothers me too. It’s too big for my face and I think my nostrils are far too wide. I think my nose is beak-like and covers too much of my face (and because my head is so small, it’s emphasised even more.) Recently I’ve been looking into plastic surgery for my nose and this has made me more miserable because I’ll never be able to afford it, even with a payment plan.
I’m going to London on 30th-1st April and I’m dreading it because we’re going with friends and the woman who we’re going with has recently lost loads of weight so now I’m going to be the big fat girl who’s with the slim woman. She also has perfect skin and hair and can dress nicer than me because all of my clothes look bad on me at the minute.
What pisses me off is that I’ve genuinely tried to lose weight; I was with Slimming World last year and it just didn’t work for me. Even when I was following it, I wasn’t losing weight like anyone else; I’d lost a pound one week then put 2 on the next. And every time I went to the class, there were people there who were doing so well and I felt absolutely crap everytime they would be telling us how well they’d done that week. In all honesty I was really jealous and it. Everytime someone tells me how much weight they’ve lost I instantly feel like a failure. I try to do it and it doesn’t work. I can’t manage to shift the extra weight I’ve put on over the past 2-3 years.
It affects my relationship with my friends because I hate going out. I’ve never been one for dressing up anyway – I’m not glamorous like a lot of girls I know. Even when I spend hours getting ready I still look really plain because of my nose. The one advantage when I was thinner is that it would take away from how my face looks. Now I’m not slim, all I can see is flaws.
It’s also affected my relationship with my Boyf. He thinks I look lovely and always tells me I do but I know he preferred me when I was slimmer like when we first met. I can’t understand what he find attractive about me. I look disgusting naked so I’m always trying to cover up in front of him.
I’m really hoping that if I continue to go the gym and if I can stop comfort eating or stop eating convenience foods because I’m too exhausted to cook, that I can lose this weight and feel more comfortable in my skin.
I have London at the end of this month, then I have a wedding in June and a holiday in September and I’m already panicking about looking and feeling horrible. This time the exercising and eating plan have to work.