I’ve started back at work this week; only a couple of hours a day but it feels like a big deal. I’m doing 8:45 – 11:30 all week to see how I get on. I did go in on Friday for a couple of hours just to ‘break the ice’ and go through all my emails etc. which I think really helped.
Today wasn’t so bad initially but after an hour I started to get stressed with the work environment. To be honest, it’s the atmosphere that gets to me; specifically, there are a couple of co-workers which make life difficult; they’re just really difficult to work with and sort of make a drama out of nothing constantly and it’s really hard to be around that when you get anxious yourself.
The annoying thing is, I’m friends with the person in question. It really bothered me that she knows full well the reasons I’ve not been in work, and instead of being helpful and understanding that I’m not loving life at the minute, she is exacerbating things. We did go for lunch on Friday and I was pissed off really that she didn’t actually ask me how I was feeling, but preceded to go on about herself and her issues (some of which are unbelievably petty in the grand scheme of things) I’m starting to think she’s not actually my friend. Could really do without her being so negative all the time. I wouldn’t mind at all if she had actual real problems; I have a couple of friends who have anxiety and/or depression and I’m more than happy to listen to their problems and concerns as I can fully understand where they’re coming from, and if I’m being honest, it’s a relief to know that I’m not alone -not that I’d wish feeling like this on anyone – it’s just nice to have people who understand what you’re on about and hopefully they feel this way about me too.
I took a bit of a stand a while back and decided to cut people out of my life who didn’t make me feel good about myself; it was a hard decision as one person in particular I’d known since we were 10 years old. I had to do it though as she was bringing nothing but negativity to our friendship. Every time we’d get together, rather than trying to have a nice time together and a bit of a laugh, she’d always want to ‘rehash’ the past and talk about everyone who had ever hurt us. Seriously – who wants to relive their bad memories?! Also, she had a tendency to massively exaggerate about what had happened to her. It’s as though she loved wallowing in her misery and really didn’t take responsibility for any of her failures. Whenever I would come home after spending time with her I’d really be on a downer. I did try and explain things to her many times but it was like talking to a brick wall. She also would ring me up at stupid times of the night (she had a part-time evening job so didn’t seem to know the concept of having to get up early for a full day’s work). So I had to make the harsh decision. I really don’t regret my choice not to see her anymore. It’s a cliche but it was like having a weight lifted off my shoulders.
In fact, I highly recommend doing this. Sometimes you have to be realistic and know that you’ve tried the hardest you can to sustain a relationship with someone, but it’s never going to work.
The way I see it, the only people who will ever love you unconditionally are your parents, and unfortunately they won’t be around forever. While you have an milligram of sanity, for God’s sake look out for yourself and surround yourself with people who want to make you happy rather than share in their misery.
With this in mind, I’m starting to think that my work-colleague-cum-friend is becoming one of the misery-mongers that I’ve managed to shake off in the past. Don’t get me wrong, I am worried about her to a certain extent as she’s not always been like this and she has just had a breakdown of a relationship (but don’t get me started on how weird the situation was in the first place) but how far do I let it go before I get so wound up that I flip out?!!
I think for now, the best thing I can do is distance myself from her outside of the work place. Writing this down sounds really harsh but I know a couple of people who are aware of the person in question who would heartily agree with me (you know who you are!)
So I’m seeing this decision to back to work as a positive step. I’m also seeing my reluctance to deal with other people’s nonsense as a positive step. The third thing I’m going to start taking control of is my fitness and weight…
So a few years back, I’d lost loads of weight and felt good about how I looked for the first time ever in my life. Unfortunately, I did the thing that people do when they get into a new relationship; got comfortable and let myself go a bit. It didn’t help that when I started getting bad with my depression I’d drink or comfort eat in an attempt to make myself feel better. And that’s pretty much how I put on loads of weight and started getting unhealthy.
I’m not obese or anything but I’m about where I was weight-wise around 6-7 years ago; at that point I was at a pretty low ebb and I had zero confidence in how I looked.
My weight is affecting not only my confidence, it’s also pissing me right off that I have a wardrobe full of clothes that don’t fit me (and I don’t feel like I deserve to get new clothes since I look hideous in most things anyway – not to mention the fact that the idea of going and trying stuff on in a shop fills me with abject fear.)
More importantly, it’s affecting my physical health too. I have posture problems; I can’t remember the last time my back wasn’t in pain. I’ve also started getting breathless when walking for more than 10 minutes which was never like me; even when I was heavier before I could always walk for miles without a problem. My hair and skin are also not at their best.
In an effort to sort this shit out, I’ve started a healthy eating/fitness plan today. Well, the fitness starts tomorrow if I’m being truthful. It will be gradual, like everything else right now. But I at the very least have made a start and planned my meals for the week:-
Please excuse the scribbled writing!
All of the above meals are full of veg and protein and are low in fat. With the exception of the Spag Bol (which is being made by my lovely Boyf) I’ll be making everything from scratch which is something I’ve been neglecting to do of late.
To keep me going I’ll be posting pics/details of my meals.
As I said, I’m also going to start doing some exercise. I’ll start off just with some walking – like I’ll get off the train a stop later than usual and walk back from there. Then I’ll build it up and eventually I’ll be able to go on some distance-walks. I’ve also got a list of exercises I can do in the living room (star-jumps, ab crunches, lunges etc.) which I’ll build up each day. In addition, we’ve got to sort the garden out for Spring which I know will take loads of effort! So hopefully I’ll get myself in shape/back to health. I have a friend’s wedding in June that I’m aiming for (not forgetting a holiday booked in September) so that’s giving me a further incentive 🙂
I’ve just ordered a set of scales from Amazon and tomorrow I’m going to do the unthinkable and actually weigh myself. To be thorough, I’ll also take my body measurements. And I’m actually going to post this on my blog. I’m basically shaming myself. I figure that if I do this each week, I’ll be able to track my progress. So I’ll do this every Tuesday and that way we can see how I’m getting on.
So there are some goals for the coming months. Hopefully I won’t be sobbing uncontrollably into a tub of Ben & Jerry’s in a couple of weeks.
Wish me luck!