Depression - the monster on your back · Happy Times


Well my trip to the library on Monday didn’t really work out. I left the house and there was a light drizzle, I got halfway to the library and it turned into a monsoon of some description so by the time I got anywhere near the library, I was soaked through to my underwear! So I couldn’t go in because I was far too drenched. So I had to walk home again by which time I might as well have been for a swim; I had to change all of my clothes and I was freezing! I really felt like crying. It seems pathetic considering all that happened was that I never made it to the library and got wet from the rain, but it felt like an abject failure; the first time I decide to go out and do something productive on my own in six weeks and I achieved NOTHING.

Tuesday felt a little bit like it was back to square one. I just felt like there was no point in me trying to do anything because somehow it always goes wrong. So I didn’t do anything all day. In the evening me and the Boyf watched a film and had a couple of wines. Drinking never helps in the long run but I felt like I really needed one.

Yesterday, I had arranged to meet my friend for lunch and despite my low Monday/Tuesday I was determined to do this and thankfully I did! We had a lovely lunch in town and it was so nice to see her. We had a lot to catch up on and had a really good talk. We’re going to do this again next Wednesday and try and keep it up. She’s only just gone back to work after maternity leave so we haven’t seen each other since before Christmas so it will be nice to see each other more 🙂 I managed to do a bit of shopping for a couple of bits I needed and also found some craft bargains which was a bonus. I then met my Boyf after he’d finished work and we ended up going for Italian and had a laugh together. All in all, I had a really good day. I’d say it was the first time I’ve felt happy in all the time I’ve been off work.

Today, I have another doctors appointment to assess whether I’m okay to go back to work. I’m dreading it; both the appointment and work. In some respect I want to get into the routine of working again but at the same time I’m really worried about going back; the transition from barely leaving the house to then going back to a full-on job seems really daunting. My daily goals for the last 6 weeks have been:-

  1. Brush My Teeth
  2. Get a Shower
  3. Drink at least 3l of water
  4. Cook the evening meal

I’ll be honest, most days I didn’t achieve all four of these things. Sometimes I didn’t achieve one. So for my days to go from possibly having a shower & brushing my teeth to something as huge as a daily routing (get up early, shower, commute to work, get work done, eat lunch, commute home, cook a meal etc.) is a massive deal. I’m not entirely sure how I will do it.

I suppose I will have to see what the doctor says. Not loving today!

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