I’ve not had the best week so far in terms of how I’m feeling. I hit a low on Monday and really went downhill throughout the day.
I’m not sleeping properly. I went to bed at 11pm on Monday but didn’t sleep until around 5am and I didn’t fall asleep at all on Tuesday Night/Wednesday so just went right through. My sleep patterns are massively erratic right now. I doubt this helps with my depression being tired/wired all the time.
I was really annoyed that I slept until 12 today; I feel like a failure when I don’t get up in the morning. So much wasted time in which I could’ve done some stuff around the house. I feel like my boyfriend judges me when I’ve not cleaned the house or tidied up.
I’ve felt supported by him until lately. On Monday he got really annoyed with me. We haven’t been getting along as well lately. I blame myself because I’m not the same person he met and fell in love with. I’ve gone so insular and have lost any spark I used to have. The thing is, I know this isn’t easy for him. I think he doesn’t realise that I know it’s not fair on him either. I do know this and it makes me feel so guilty.
We had a talk when he got back from work and I think it’s been so long since we’ve done something just the two of us, away from ‘real life’. We used to go on short breaks and holidays and never discuss work or home or anything like that. We used to just go and it would be us in a bubble not concentrating on anything else but having fun together. I really miss that. So next Saturday we’ll be going away to a nice hotel for the night. We’re going to spend the Saturday and Sunday just enjoying ourselves. I really want to work at getting us both back to how it used to be. Even if I’m not who I used to be.