Depression - the monster on your back

One of those days…

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So I s’pose I’m having a bit of a bad day. I haven’t been getting much sleep – have had insomnia for about a week now. Went to bed at 3am this morning and still couldn’t sleep. Keep thinking I might as well stay up all night if this is how it’s going to be. I hate just lying there – it’s when all the bad thoughts start appearing like “I’m a waste of space,” “I don’t matter,” “I’m a bad girlfriend, a terrible friend, nobody likes me,” “I’m ugly inside and out.”

When you keep telling yourself these things, it becomes a truth. Even though I know I’m being harsh on myself, I also think that there must be an element of truth in there. Nobody’s told me this, but people don’t usually go up to people and start spitting home-truths at them.

I still haven’t been outside. I need to make a doctor’s appointment in the next week but I’m freaking myself out about using the phone so this hasn’t happened yet. If I leave it too long I won’t get another appointment and I’ll have to rush back into work on 20th like nothing has even happened.

Speaking of which, I hate my job. It contributes to me feeling bad. I work in the Finance Industry. I hate numbers! I’ve always been more of a words person. There is literally not one second of my working day that’s creative. I have no issue with logic or following rules but I find my job incredibly mundane and truth-be-told really easy. I’ve asked to learn new things, I’ve applied for two separate jobs on other teams, but nothing ever seems to happen. I’m just stuck there. And I’m 30-something. There are 20-somethings more qualified and respected in that place than me. I’m wasting my life doing something I hate. And why? Because I have a mortgage. The job pays well. I can afford to live in my house and pay my bills and buy food. That’s why we all work though isn’t it? I’m not so special that I get to opt out of this. Why can’t I just accept my lot in life like everyone else does?

I have this sneaking suspicion that it shouldn’t be like this though. There are people out there who work hard but enjoy their job. There are even people who LOVE their job.

I could quit my job I s’pose, but then it’s not as simple as that. I don’t know what I would do once I’d quit. I have no savings to rely on. So I’d have to make sure I got another job straight away. The thing is, I have no experience doing anything else but administrating. The vast majority (I’d say 99%) of jobs out there (limited as they are) are for administrators in a financial capacity. And anything that isn’t, I’d need experience for, which I don’t have.

I feel like running away. If I just packed a bag with essentials, and just got on a train or even a plane, I could go somewhere and start all over. 

The problem with this is that I’d have to convince my boyfriend to do the same thing. 

But we could never leave here. He has two children. He wouldn’t leave his kids. So I can’t pack a bag. 

I can’t quit my job.

I can’t do what I want to do.

I have no control over anything in my life. 

Mundane Mundane Mundane

Yeah. I’m feeling shitty today.

2 thoughts on “One of those days…

  1. Hi, Friend…..
    I’m feeling the pain and despair in your eloquent words…..beautifully expressed even through the suffering. Each of us at one time or another comes face to face with the fact that life sucks sometimes. Our dreams are not the reality that we see in front of us. It sounds like you are connected well to your family and BF. Do you have other friends who provide a supportive network? If you would like to be an email pal with me, send me a note. I’m a long ways away, but I have your back. Hugs.
    ❤ J

    jwoolbright at gmail dot com
    HerPeacefulGarden.blogspot.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your kind words. I’ve not long started blogging but feel like it’s been helping a lot to get my feelings out. I’m not the best at vocalising them so to have an outlet is really helping. Thanks also for your offer of an email penpal. I’m sure i’ll be in touch xxx

      Like

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