Well my current state is one of apathy. I was sick over Christmas with a stomach bug, then I got the flu straight after I’d recovered, and now my depression has reared its ugly head and I’ve been signed off work for two weeks. So I’ve been living in pyjamas for around 3 weeks, have only been showering every other day and I’ve not left the house in over a week. I know I’m going to have to go outside at some point because the longer I stay indoors, the harder I’ll find it to go out. But knowing what I need and doing what I need are two different things.
My boyfriend has been really supportive. I feel really guilty about not being the girlfriend he deserves but at the same time guilt doesn’t help me to become that girlfriend. I keep hugging him in a bid to show him I still love him and need him. I know he knows but the guilt is crippling and makes me feel like shit.
Towards the end of 2016 onwards I’ve felt like I just want to run away. I’m not feeling suicidal – I don’t want to die, nor do I want to harm myself physically – I’m just feeling like if I went somewhere far away from everything I could figure out what it is about my life that I don’t like.
In all honesty, the idea that there is some sort of solution to my problems is wishful thinking. It’s just hard when I feel like I should have figured things out by now and instead I’m further away from happiness than ever.
The New Year doesn’t help. We always have this idea of ‘New Year, New You’ and it doesn’t feel nice. It’s so much pressure to transform things for the better just because you’ve seen the year change. Every year I think “this time round I’ll get it right” and then the year ends and nothing has changed. It’s so demotivating.
Maybe this year I won’t get it right. But maybe by the end of 2017 I’ll at least be okay with that.